realising it was you all along...
Much adventures since then.
A history that I can remember.
When was it till now? From where to when? I think so but I can’t confirm.
I try, and what I happen am to follow. Here. If it is good, I have happy.
Self correcting.
That seems to be my life. Like some kind of unstoppable confused gyroscope. Close up it is a whirling frenzy of experience. People, places, things and thoughts. All twirling and spinning and crashing down its path leaking coherence and time into the ether. Gain a little perspective though and the complicated gyrations start to blur and become a little more uniform.
It begins to be more recognisable, to fit with other lives. To be calmer.
This I have learned.
That I need perspective.
At times in my life I will find myself removed, comfortably, from the vortex without any intent. Suddenly I will find myself gazing cheerfully and with great satisfaction upon what passes for my life. The really interesting thing is the multi-dimensional nature of what I see when I look at it. It is there stretched out before me, a blizzard of colours and smells and tastes and sensations rushing and congealing and flowing into each other endlessly, like the sinuous movement of a jellyfish. Tendrils of the past flowing out behind only to whip round and remind my future self of pre-Me, shocking me into an unblinking appraisal of my now. From my ethereal seat on my little yogic cloud I can marvel at the complexity. I can cringe at all the short-sightedness; I can be completely amazed I manage to stay either sane or alive. I love these brief snatches of extra-reality. Little non-diagetic appraisals. Like baby time-outs.
Self correcting: You see, I don’t intentionally create that space, not on a conscious level, I may accidentally conspire with events to blip myself into that state of consciousness but I very rarely (if ever) manage to deliberately manufacture an environment conducive to that peace. Perhaps this is what some people manage through meditation. I did used to have it fairly regularly when I was younger. Acid generally gave me a moment or two to reflect on my life from a cohesive and useful perspective, at least till the wallpaper/carpet/small shiny thing distracted me with the pretty colours. I didn’t do Acid to attain this state tho, it just happened to be a part of a trip for me; I did acid to get fucked up and giggle at the clouds. For 14 hours. Brilliant.
What I have been finding recently is a tendency to slip into this state for brief uncomfortable snatches. Uncomfortable not because of what I see but because I don’t see enough, or for long enough. I don’t get any closure. It maybe that I am just not far enough back to see the structure, to find my place.
I travel a lot at the moment and I do feel really displaced. I quite genuinely wake up in the morning with no idea where I am. That feeling, when your heart drops through your stomach because you forgot something important, because you did something bad and just got found out, because you’re late, that feeling happens very briefly every morning. Really not very nice. I think it is a little strange panic that I have because I’m not very grounded at the moment, I am frequently ‘elsewhere’ – visiting Maia, staying in a beautiful yurt doing great tree things, visiting Jen in Leeds, or Cardiff or Dj-ing somewhere, or going out with lovely friends (notably Daryl recently, excellent carnage meister) or indeed working, which I have been doing a lot a lot. All this does lead to a strange displacement effect. Regardless of where I actually I am, the potential to be at any of these other places, which are all a regular occurrence in my life, is really high. The confusing effect of all the bewildering travelling does wrong things in my head till I don’t know where I am. Instead of just being confused and getting on with it, I tend to want to be at one of the other places, or think that I should be at one of them instead of here, as if I’ve got it all hopelessly twisted and turned up at the wrong place at the wrong time. Mornings are fragile enough places with all the self questioning that goes on without the added stress of being a mentalist every bloody morning.
It’s weird!
And not very nice.
I need to get a bit of stability. Find a home and stay there for a while cos at the moment I’m getting too stretched. Maybe then I will have enough built in stability/perspective to start consciously designing this need to observe into my life rather than waiting for it to happen by accident. Or maybe when I have that space for me I won’t need it so much anyway.
Things I think are damned good today
Amino acids
Dutch street dancing champions dancing in the lobby,
The idea of the perfect apple crumble and custard
Taking a peak at snow patrols keyboards and wishing I dared to have a quick tinkle.
The essence of rabbit
My right nipple
Things I think are damned good in essence and certainly will be soon but might not be great today
Jen's brand spanker of a Blog! wilkommen, Bienvenue, welcome!
Word of the day
Stultiloquy
foolish babbling.
It appears in John Steinbeck’s fictional portrayal of the life of the buccaneer Henry Morgan, Cup of Gold (1929): “In all the mad incongruity, the turgid stultiloquy of life, I felt, at last, securely anchored to myself.”
You might instead prefer the even rarer stultiloquence, whose adjectival form appears in Christopher Fry’s The Lady’s Not For Burning, in which Justice Tappercoom says “The whole thing’s a lot of amphigourious, stultiloquential fiddle-faddle.”
Both are from Latin stultiloquus, speaking foolishly, which come in turn from stultus, foolish, plus loquus, that speaks.
Pic of the day
Mr Ron Muek, a genius. look at his good good good here
A history that I can remember.
When was it till now? From where to when? I think so but I can’t confirm.
I try, and what I happen am to follow. Here. If it is good, I have happy.
Self correcting.
That seems to be my life. Like some kind of unstoppable confused gyroscope. Close up it is a whirling frenzy of experience. People, places, things and thoughts. All twirling and spinning and crashing down its path leaking coherence and time into the ether. Gain a little perspective though and the complicated gyrations start to blur and become a little more uniform.
It begins to be more recognisable, to fit with other lives. To be calmer.
This I have learned.
That I need perspective.
At times in my life I will find myself removed, comfortably, from the vortex without any intent. Suddenly I will find myself gazing cheerfully and with great satisfaction upon what passes for my life. The really interesting thing is the multi-dimensional nature of what I see when I look at it. It is there stretched out before me, a blizzard of colours and smells and tastes and sensations rushing and congealing and flowing into each other endlessly, like the sinuous movement of a jellyfish. Tendrils of the past flowing out behind only to whip round and remind my future self of pre-Me, shocking me into an unblinking appraisal of my now. From my ethereal seat on my little yogic cloud I can marvel at the complexity. I can cringe at all the short-sightedness; I can be completely amazed I manage to stay either sane or alive. I love these brief snatches of extra-reality. Little non-diagetic appraisals. Like baby time-outs.
Self correcting: You see, I don’t intentionally create that space, not on a conscious level, I may accidentally conspire with events to blip myself into that state of consciousness but I very rarely (if ever) manage to deliberately manufacture an environment conducive to that peace. Perhaps this is what some people manage through meditation. I did used to have it fairly regularly when I was younger. Acid generally gave me a moment or two to reflect on my life from a cohesive and useful perspective, at least till the wallpaper/carpet/small shiny thing distracted me with the pretty colours. I didn’t do Acid to attain this state tho, it just happened to be a part of a trip for me; I did acid to get fucked up and giggle at the clouds. For 14 hours. Brilliant.
What I have been finding recently is a tendency to slip into this state for brief uncomfortable snatches. Uncomfortable not because of what I see but because I don’t see enough, or for long enough. I don’t get any closure. It maybe that I am just not far enough back to see the structure, to find my place.
I travel a lot at the moment and I do feel really displaced. I quite genuinely wake up in the morning with no idea where I am. That feeling, when your heart drops through your stomach because you forgot something important, because you did something bad and just got found out, because you’re late, that feeling happens very briefly every morning. Really not very nice. I think it is a little strange panic that I have because I’m not very grounded at the moment, I am frequently ‘elsewhere’ – visiting Maia, staying in a beautiful yurt doing great tree things, visiting Jen in Leeds, or Cardiff or Dj-ing somewhere, or going out with lovely friends (notably Daryl recently, excellent carnage meister) or indeed working, which I have been doing a lot a lot. All this does lead to a strange displacement effect. Regardless of where I actually I am, the potential to be at any of these other places, which are all a regular occurrence in my life, is really high. The confusing effect of all the bewildering travelling does wrong things in my head till I don’t know where I am. Instead of just being confused and getting on with it, I tend to want to be at one of the other places, or think that I should be at one of them instead of here, as if I’ve got it all hopelessly twisted and turned up at the wrong place at the wrong time. Mornings are fragile enough places with all the self questioning that goes on without the added stress of being a mentalist every bloody morning.
It’s weird!
And not very nice.
I need to get a bit of stability. Find a home and stay there for a while cos at the moment I’m getting too stretched. Maybe then I will have enough built in stability/perspective to start consciously designing this need to observe into my life rather than waiting for it to happen by accident. Or maybe when I have that space for me I won’t need it so much anyway.
Things I think are damned good today
Amino acids
Dutch street dancing champions dancing in the lobby,
The idea of the perfect apple crumble and custard
Taking a peak at snow patrols keyboards and wishing I dared to have a quick tinkle.
The essence of rabbit
My right nipple
Things I think are damned good in essence and certainly will be soon but might not be great today
Jen's brand spanker of a Blog! wilkommen, Bienvenue, welcome!
Word of the day
Stultiloquy
foolish babbling.
It appears in John Steinbeck’s fictional portrayal of the life of the buccaneer Henry Morgan, Cup of Gold (1929): “In all the mad incongruity, the turgid stultiloquy of life, I felt, at last, securely anchored to myself.”
You might instead prefer the even rarer stultiloquence, whose adjectival form appears in Christopher Fry’s The Lady’s Not For Burning, in which Justice Tappercoom says “The whole thing’s a lot of amphigourious, stultiloquential fiddle-faddle.”
Both are from Latin stultiloquus, speaking foolishly, which come in turn from stultus, foolish, plus loquus, that speaks.
Pic of the day
Mr Ron Muek, a genius. look at his good good good here
posted by Joe at 5:56 pm
2 Comments:
I think you are indeed over your blog honeymoon... write something new damn it!
You are a loser on the blog front... I am in thailand and manage to keep it up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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