getting better all the time

well, I am recovered from a mental weekend at last.

Jen finished her exams and came down to celebrate, just in time for Nath's birthday and Nik visiting from Wales en route to Oz. 3 days of carnage ensued with very little sleeping and lots of fun.

Had a wicked time with Jen and everyone and it was sad to see them all go. Nath I'll see regular, Nik I'll see in a month or so, Jen......we shall have to see....

wierd. difficult stuff innit.

I'm feeling loads better about the whole thing, I was worried that by removing myself emotionally from wherever we are at would threaten our friendship (I'd do it any way, lookin out fo number 1!) but we still managed to have a top time. I think she feels I'm dragging it out and romanticising stuff, and she's not very patient about that, but then she never was anyway.

I'm just taking my time,

Thanks for your words Holly, nice to know you stop by here sometimes! funny how things come full circle innit...

The Ducking continues apace, so if you are out and about and you see a little Duck stuck somewhere (think buses and trains and tubes and police stations etc) it was probably me or a mate, they are spreading nationwide at the moment, with some en route to the states, australia and india. Keen eyes people.

I found some wicked new stuff to show you. look at;

THING OF THE DAY

love poem (10 minutes after the end of gravity)

















Drawing inspiration from Renaissance fresco painting, Adam Cvijanovic’s ‘portable murals’ depict contemporary landscapes with a sense of celestial awe. You can find more of his work here http://www.saatchi-gallery.co.uk/artists/artpages/adam_cvijanovic_love_poem.htm

Under Five Chairs Psychiatrists Wink

Drawing from his background in the design industry, Ryan McGinness’s work resolves the clinical graphic aesthetics of media as vast, contemplative fields of intimate meditation. Under Five Chairs Psychiatrists Wink is set across three panels, each beaconing with a baroque entrancement. More here http://www.saatchi-gallery.co.uk/artists/ryan_mcginness.htm.

Both of these amazing new artists are on show at http://www.saatchi-gallery.co.uk. go and have a look as there is some serious talent out there and it is regularly updated.


Be well, be inspired. be joybe.

Trickier than one thought

I can honestly sat that I have never felt this consistently upset/hurt/sad/helpless etc etc ever before. yada yada yada. *rolls eyes*

I just want it to stop now.

It's crazyness.

(edit - Jen, if you read this, it's not something that you can do anything with so pay no attention, I just need to get it out, deal with it, make sense of it)


I am in love.

The person I'm in love with is amazing and we have shared an amazing couple of years. I can recognize the reasons behind what we are doing but I can still find no space in my life that can communicate or make sense of how to do this. I know it is just going to take time, what is troubling me most is the consistency and duration of this feeling. It is literally there when I wake every morning - I open my eyes and after working out who and where I am, I think of her and I am in love, immediately it slaps me round the cerebrum and says NO! that is not right! you are not allowed to be in love with this person! stop it!


That feels like absolute fucking shit.

And I don't know how to stop it. I didn't manufacture any of this, it just happened. How do you consciously stop being in love with someone? And if there is a way, why the fuck would you do that? And baring all that in mind, where the hell does that leave me?

I dunno, I'm not asking anyone to give me any answers as there are none, I've been through terrible and dramatic heartbreak before;-) (not like this tho, it's actually threatened my sanity this time round....I am holding tight and seeing it through, I will not be brought down by this) and I'm sure I'll go through it again.

I don't know. I miss her so much, and I'm still in love, and I've nowhere to go and nowhere to put these feelings and I'm very hurt and sad.

But I'm sitting here on a good day. My life is growing in great directions, I'm doing some good work here. I'm proud of me. I am not letting this takeover my life, it is just a small poorly part that will heal over time. I don't want to give the impression that I'm depressed or going under or just a bit of a dramatic cunt, as I'm not. This experience is completely new to me. No one has ever been given so much of me before (I gave it, nothing was asked for, my bed, I'm a lie-ing in it!), and it's not something I'm going to get back in a hurry so it's freaking me out gently and tearing me in different directions.

I want everything to be ok, I want for us to be the best mates we are. I don't want any of this complicated confusing painful jealous bastard mush to be leaking out and tainting either of our lives and I pray to god it's simpler for her.

This is going to take a long long time, and I think I'm going to have to make some tough calls regarding my own integrity. It is inevitable that we will move at different paces and that's only right. But I am going to have to keep a close watch on what I can and cannot cope with.

if anyone does happen upon a magic cure, you know where I am.

until then...



THING OF THE DAY





















line up ladeeez

Duck!

There is a man. He makes the Duck. He sends the Duck. I stick The Duck. Soon I shall spray the Duck.

The Duck is Good.

London Shall know the Duck, soon the whole world will know the Duck. He comes in many guises, yet all shall know him.

in other news;

1 swanky party at an exclusive members club = free champagne thankyou very mush.
1 Hooker request = no no.
some tips divided by no alcohol = healthy foods
lots of ducks divided by time = adventure x happiness
plenty of missing the one who has gone = sad :-(
all of the above divided by each other x me = JOY


THING OF THE DAY

Behold, here cometh the Ducks.






















Pig ducks!!!!!

Getting the hang

I wrote a grown up letter today to the one who has gone, it wasn't manipulative or sad or anything, just straight down the line communication.

Hurt like a bastard.

But I worked it out, I am very verbose and take alot of interest in the way I say things as well as why. So I felt like I needed to approach the way I am translating my own communication. I need to disseminate it and make it safe. It needs to be affirmative and warm and distancing and honest. And it has to be progressive. So there it is, all packaged in binary sailing through the ether. Safe. Painful. Progress.

So very very sad indeed Mr. Duirwyn.


Today there was an Amy Winehouse. she has a coke problem fo sho!
Work are trying to take back the recent pay rise. I did laugh in their face.
friendships are being compromised on the home front, confrontation approaches.

And yet, despite and because, Today was a good day.

THING OF THE DAY























I want that one please. naughty naughty looking lady.

2007 speeds on

Into January we fly, navigated by yours truly with eyes wide open. Not the instant clarity I was hoping for but definite movement.

I have been working on tense the last few days, in all it's guises.

How to put a current feeling or emotion combined with an ill defined relationship into the past tense whilst pursuing some unknown but well meant goal?

it sho is a head fuck. but I'm doin it just the same and it seems to be working. In-tense, thats where I am right now.

I love Maia so very much, she is very special and nearly 10.


THING OF THE DAY

Her Space Holiday, otherwise known as Mark Bianchi.
Sheer absolute brilliance, you need to listen to it to get it.

FROM SOUTH CAROLINA

From South Carolina
To San Francisco
I'm always waiting here
Outside of this door
I hope that my key fits
I hope that this lock clicks
Because I'll find you standing there
With your dyed black hair

We'll put that old record on
And dance to your favorite song
The one that I wish I made
But wouldn't ever play
Because of the war in me
That killed my self-esteem
But somehow when I'm with you
My state of mind improves
And I won't need that medicine
To concentrate again

And I know it isn't fair
To expect you to care
For someone who won't get well
I think we can both tell
That this the final night
To get this goodbye right
So I hope that when I leave
You will still think of me
Not as I am today
But as someone you wanted to stay

From South Carolina...

___________________________________

















nuff said