Trickier than one thought

I can honestly sat that I have never felt this consistently upset/hurt/sad/helpless etc etc ever before. yada yada yada. *rolls eyes*

I just want it to stop now.

It's crazyness.

(edit - Jen, if you read this, it's not something that you can do anything with so pay no attention, I just need to get it out, deal with it, make sense of it)


I am in love.

The person I'm in love with is amazing and we have shared an amazing couple of years. I can recognize the reasons behind what we are doing but I can still find no space in my life that can communicate or make sense of how to do this. I know it is just going to take time, what is troubling me most is the consistency and duration of this feeling. It is literally there when I wake every morning - I open my eyes and after working out who and where I am, I think of her and I am in love, immediately it slaps me round the cerebrum and says NO! that is not right! you are not allowed to be in love with this person! stop it!


That feels like absolute fucking shit.

And I don't know how to stop it. I didn't manufacture any of this, it just happened. How do you consciously stop being in love with someone? And if there is a way, why the fuck would you do that? And baring all that in mind, where the hell does that leave me?

I dunno, I'm not asking anyone to give me any answers as there are none, I've been through terrible and dramatic heartbreak before;-) (not like this tho, it's actually threatened my sanity this time round....I am holding tight and seeing it through, I will not be brought down by this) and I'm sure I'll go through it again.

I don't know. I miss her so much, and I'm still in love, and I've nowhere to go and nowhere to put these feelings and I'm very hurt and sad.

But I'm sitting here on a good day. My life is growing in great directions, I'm doing some good work here. I'm proud of me. I am not letting this takeover my life, it is just a small poorly part that will heal over time. I don't want to give the impression that I'm depressed or going under or just a bit of a dramatic cunt, as I'm not. This experience is completely new to me. No one has ever been given so much of me before (I gave it, nothing was asked for, my bed, I'm a lie-ing in it!), and it's not something I'm going to get back in a hurry so it's freaking me out gently and tearing me in different directions.

I want everything to be ok, I want for us to be the best mates we are. I don't want any of this complicated confusing painful jealous bastard mush to be leaking out and tainting either of our lives and I pray to god it's simpler for her.

This is going to take a long long time, and I think I'm going to have to make some tough calls regarding my own integrity. It is inevitable that we will move at different paces and that's only right. But I am going to have to keep a close watch on what I can and cannot cope with.

if anyone does happen upon a magic cure, you know where I am.

until then...



THING OF THE DAY





















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